Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Kite Surfing Watergate Bay


I took this shot yesterday during a bracing, gale force march along the beach at Watergate Bay. This kite surfer had the sea to himself and was ripping up and down the shallows at close enough to high tide. Mind you, watching him had me thinking about a recent rescue at Perranporth. Loads of fun - but like most ocean sports, it's best to get some pointers from those who know before you try to take off. The British Kite Surfing Association will point you in the right direction.

(This shot's my wallpaper at the moment and I've attached a reasonable resolution image in case you fancy doing the same.)

Friday, December 25, 2009

Beach Bum's Merry Christmas


Like the bestest bronzed turkey we had earlier today (courtesy of the fine farmer folk at Trevilley) Beach Bum has been well and truly stuffed, and sits here sated and full of (liquid) Christmas cheer.

This year's festivities at Beach Bum's shack have been decidedly more joyful after the miserable Christmas we had this time last year. There was a slight blip when the kids woke us at 3.30am shredding through Santa's deliveries. Sea Nymph said I looked a bit like Jack Nicholson in the Shining threatening dismemberment if they didn't go back to bed. I've had several emails from folks wishing me and mine well so here's as good a place as any to reciprocate the greetings. It's been quiet at s-e-x-wax.com lately but all being well, I'll be motoring on here more in the New Year - assuming I survive tomorrow's Boxing Day swim...


(photo courtesy of a Norwegian dude - sorry forgot the name - but ain't it lovely?)

Friday, November 27, 2009

Chill Music For Shred Heads


If you took Enya, stuck her underwater and asked her to sing, you might get close to the vocal tastiness that is Justine Suissa and her mates in OceanLab. I always hook onto good music about a year after everybody else but I guess there's quite a few of you that stumble into that category. Anyway, I give you Sirens of the Sea. Go find a beach and dance. Because it's Friday.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Coming To A Beach Near You...


They steal your chips, they shit on your head - now they're gonna bite your ear off. Oooh - err!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Ocean Warriors To The Rescue


One, I'm playing catch up here (again) and two, that isn't just a gratuitous flesh photo. Read on and all will be revealed. It's been absolutely ages since I sat down and threw more than a sentence or two at this blog and that fact, for reasons I haven't analysed, niggles me more than it should. I'd like to think that there's a bit of "those who can, do, those who can't, blog" behind this hiatus - my oh so busy life - on the other hand, I've rather regularly found myself slumped in the sofa after a swim session wanting "guns and whiskey" more than this.

I digress. A few weeks ago I was back in N.Ireland visiting family and friends. It's been a bit of an annual ritual to go back at October half term - the Nipper's cousins are off school and that week usually coincides with my birthday and wedding anniversary. (As befits a synaptically challenged Beach Bum, I got married to the long suffering Sea Nymph on my birthday so I'd have no excuse to forget wedding anniversaries - and barring one year in the last 19 - that wheeze has worked.)




It's also a tradition to motor up the North Coast for some beach time at Portstewart, a cappuccino in Morellis and a big feed at the (Giant's) Causeway Hotel. We'd hawked our wetsuits over from Cornwall and, bugger me, if I wasn't going to try and catch a wave or two whatever the weather/ conditions. Well, as you can see from the sunset shot, the day we picked was the best of the bunch in what was otherwise a blustery, grey old sock of a week. A couple of hiccups though: no surfboard, no waves...

...no problem! A few years earlier, on a similar jaunt, I'd had occasion to pop into Ocean Warriors to check out "Portstewart's Oldest Surf Shop" (this leaves me feeling positively aged as "back in the day" I don't recall any surfboards for sale in town let alone a fully fledged surf & kite store). I'd been fortunate enough to bump into store owners Chris & Rosie and a conversation kicked off over the sale of a
Plain Lazy T shirt when I'd commented that I'd only ever seen this brand in a shop in Perranporth. Turned out Chris knew Cornwall well and had been at college with, and was a mate of the brand's owner. Small world and all that. Chris, being the gentleman that he is, said to make sure if I was back this way to call in and "grab a board".


So two years later when I drove round to his house after finding the store's hire gear all stowed away for winter, if he was surprised he didn't show it! Chris opened up his garage, surfboards stored and stacked like so many sardines, and hauled out the sticks. They were big, they were spongey but for Nipper 1 and me and the 2ft of surf on the strand, they were exactly what the surf doctor ordered.

Back in Belfast that new shrine to consumerism known as the Victoria Centre had sun-bed bronzed, shaved and buffed boys in board shorts teasing teen totty into the new Hollister clothing shop. Whilst the queue might have wished they all could be in California, round at Calvin Kleins, two rather shapely, near naked models posed in lingerie and had more mobile phone cameras clicking than a voyeur's with a Nikon at a nudist camp. It wasn't Jamie Dornan though, the Belfast boy who's been modelling for CK here there and everywhere. (Yes, that's him at the top - there is method in my madness.) How times have changed. In the bad old days, Paisley and friends would have been out saving Ulster from Sodomy and other miscellaneous "deviations" of the flesh.



Now there are buses taking tourists to euphemistically described "trouble spots" infamous from when a day out in Belfast wouldn't have been complete without a bomb scare and a frisk at a security gate. Perhaps that's why many of the murals look as fresh now as they did when I used to bus past them to school in the heart of the city...

For all you tourists who go to Ireland and never step north of the border, why not go discover Northern Ireland and if you're up Portstewart way say "hi" to Chris and Rosie for me.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

From The North Sea Home Of The Deadly Turd Shark...

...comes the Pink Torpedoes. I've a feeling this may be one of those nights people talk about forever without actually remembering a thing about it. Highly recommended then.


Venue: The Watering Hole, Perranporth, Cornwall sometime after dark on Saturday the 28th November.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

More Beach Fashion Goes Really Wrong


As I snapped this lady on a Newquay beach back in August a twinge of guilt did tingle in my sandy toes. I knew it would finally end up here. None of us are perfect specimens but still, "truth must out" along with the cellulite and the thong.

Friday, October 02, 2009

The Collective Noun For A Group Of Grommets Is...

... yet to be assigned as far as I know. Great list of collective nouns here, one of which might work - but feel free to suggest your own. I'm fiddling about with uploading widgets just in case you're wondering if there's any rationale for posting this shot. Any my own little grom just came 2nd in his first surfing competition last weekend.
Posted by Picasa

Friday, September 25, 2009

Sexy Hot Tan Tips For Beach Bums


I referred earlier to my extensive chain of Beach Bum tanning salons which I opened after struggling to maintain my beach bronzed look on those long promotional tours that pop up from time to time like a spontaneous erection. My good mate Will Ferrell has taken on board some of my tanning tips and asked me to mention - though I guess you've heard it all before - his new range of super hot sunscreen products that will appeal to all gentlemen of taste and discernment.

By the way (and here's a real scoop TMZ) you should know that Will - and in his modest way he doesn't like to shout about this - is the love child of Jim Morrison and a Parisian danseuse.
You read it first here.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

If You're Looking For Photographs Like This...



... then please head over to our sexy sister site at sexwaxsnaps where I'm sure you will find something to your satisfaction.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Surfing Wallpaper

It's all eye candy but here's a few choice (free) surf related images with which to paper your wall. It took me ages to print them all out and stick them up. Now I can't see where the door is and I'm trapped in my room. Nice view though.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Surfdom Spectre From The Sixties


I was trawling through some vintage surf imagery for one of my occasional examples of how surfdom - for want of a better phrase - has been used to sell everything from vitamins to pulp fiction or, as in this example, a brand of suntan lotion.

This ad harks back to the day when the emphasis was on accelerating the speed at which you "bronzed" (read "burnt") and many of the products were oil based concoctions that acted in much the same way as a good brush of olive oil helps baste a turkey. Check out the model in question ... ring any bells? Sent a slight chill down my spine. RIP Sharon.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Yield Not To Temptation...


...for - in the words of that old hymn - yielding is sin. My fancy was rather tickled by this image from an advertising campaign deemed by the drinks manufacturer in question to be a tad tasteless - a bit like their fizzy, gut-rot, thirst inducing, copper cleaning, cocao cola.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Say Goodbye To Summer

The last day of August always signals the end of the Summer season - for this Beach Bum anyway. I'm hoping we'll get a fair few days yet where the surf and sun will up and out and fool us into thinking Autumn's more than a whisper away. But the rain fell hard tonight bringing in a chill and I threw a crumpled fleece across my shoulders to sit with Sea Nymph over dinner. We've had some fine times on the beach and in the water over the last few weeks. I'll let the photos do the talking...

My mate Simon grabs the gold at the Masters National Surf Lifesaving Championships at Tolcarne Beach in Newquay last week. This bloke's made Saffron buns with David Hasselhoff in Hawaii.



We had an Olympic Bronze medalist try her hand at surf swimming. She needed rescuing.


One of the IRB's providing water cover had their engine cut out in thundering surf and needed rescuing too.


I guess this girl from Woolacombe SLSC will want to buy this picture. I really need a waterproof casing or a proper zoom lens.


Our ladies' Surfboat teams took on a seriously scary sea...


...and came back smiling.


Seven heroes of the surf paddle rescue boards 35 miles from St. Ives to Newquay in just under nine hours to raise much needed funds. (Please feel free to donate.)


All images © www.sexwaxsnaps.co.uk

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Please Bust Down My Door ...


... and grab yourself two tickets to a special preview viewing of this stonking new surf movie at the London BFI IMAX in Waterloo on Sunday the 30th August at 10.00 am. Arguably the best cinema in the country! The fine folks at Metrodome PLC have offered s-e-x-wax.com a pair of tickets to help raise funds for the North Coast Board Paddle Challenge as outlined in the previous post.

These are e-tickets so all you have to do is email me at beachbum@s-e-x-wax.com with an offer from £30 for the pair and the highest bidder will find a pair of tickets winging their way to them through the e-ether to the inbox of their choice.

Please support Dave & the team - the surf looks mighty this weekend so they'll need all the help and good vibes they can get. If you don't want the tickets but want to help out go here. More on the movie from the PR below...

During the winter of 1975 in Hawaii, surfing was shaken to its core. A group of young surfers from Australia and South Africa sacrificed everything and put it all on the line to create a sport, a culture, and an industry that is today worth billions of dollars and has captured the imagination of the world. With a radical new approach and a brash colonial attitude, these surfers crashed headlong into a culture that was not ready for revolution. Surfing was never to be the same again


Winning best documentary awards across the surfing community, the much anticipated documentary film, BUSTIN’ DOWN THE DOOR is scheduled for a UK theatrical release in the Autumn. The documentary film is narrated by the award winning actor Edward Norton. Featuring interviews with today’s surfing greats, Kelly Slater, Rob Machado and many others, their success can be directly attributed to the radical approaches and determination to transform the world of surfing these young men set out to do back in the 1970s.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Extreme Board Paddle Fundraiser


"Show me the money!" entered popular parlance for a while after Teenie-Tiny Tom Cruise Missile screamed it at somebody in one of his usual understated performances. I gave up trying to come up with a heading for this post that was both succinct and persuasive and settled on little Tom's plea. Please digest the press release below (the text in brackets is mine) and consider making a donation here.

On Sunday 30th August six (mental) members from Perranporth Surf Life Saving Club will paddle ‘rescue boards’ from St.Ives Harbour to Fistral Beach, Newquay – a (completely mental) challenging distance of 35 miles/60km. Why? All to raise awareness of the partnership between Surf Life Saving and the RNLI Lifeguard Service and to raise money for vital lifesaving equipment for Perranporth Surf Life Saving Club.

Surf Life Saving GB - the national charity of over 5,000 volunteer members in 70 clubs - has been saving lives on our beaches since 1955, and in 2001 formed a partnership with the RNLI to provide qualified lifeguards to work and volunteer in the Lifeguard Service. The two charities work hand in hand today to make our beaches safer.

The team of brave (mental) paddlers from Perranporth Surf Life Saving Club are led by Dave Meads ("Big Wave Dave") who gives his time in the club as a volunteer lifesaving trainer and works for the RNLI Lifeguard Service on the beach.



"Big Wave Dave"

The team will start the journey from St Ives RNLI Life Boat station, paddling on to Godrevy, Porthtowan then Perranporth and finally, around 35 miles later, will finish (needing resuscitation themselves) at Fistral Beach, Newquay. They will be accompanied on their journey by the Perranporth Surf Boat crew (deranged desperadoes who will need to have several jars of Vaseline applied to their red raw arses).

Adam Wooler Surf Life Saving GB Chief Executive wished the team luck and said ‘The Perranporth Paddle Team are all (mental) members of the club, Surf Life Saving Volunteers and employed in the RNLI Lifeguard Service; this challenging (mental) event will raise vital funds and demonstrate the joined up service and partnership between the charities; all working for one aim – to make our beaches safer’.

If you feel you can support Dave (or provide post event counselling) and the team to raise vital funds for Perranporth Surf Life Saving Club equipment please click here and "show us the money"!

Friday, August 07, 2009

Smelly Rubber Surfer Girl...

...has wormed her way into my affections and replaced her hippy bro on the rear view mirror. She's an Animal baby - oh yeah!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

We Will Fight Them On The Beaches...

... and by the pool, and especially over the sun loungers. I chuckled, chortled and finally guffawed my way through a recent news flash reporting that Thomas Cook - a well known holiday travel company - has given their German customers (note - only German) the option to pre-book their sun loungers on the beach/pool when they sign up for their next holiday in the sun.

This is designed to put an end to "beach towel wars" which some people claim (mainly those with knotted hankies on their heads) break out when German tourists arise at 3am to strategically advance on the loungers, making bold territorial claims by placing their towels on the afore mentioned loungers effectively annexing them for the duration of the day. Sounds like appeasement of the very worst kind. I say bring it on! I mean, it's only been 64 years since the end of the war - we can keep this one running for years yet...

... and talking of Beach Towels, how about a rub down with this? I spotted this in Spain on hols and immediately thought of my friend Nursemyra. Only to be used in case of emergencies.


Friday, July 17, 2009

Queer Beach Photos...


...like this one, which at first glance look disturbing and then on closer inspection have you sighing with relief. (And that was queer - meaning odd or unusual - in case you are wondering.)

Monday, July 13, 2009

Caption Competition


It's usually entertaining to see what talentless advertising photographers come up with when they combine a surf board with a pretty girl. In this case, however, the end result has me wishing I could pose the culprit that took this shot with the nose of that stick inserted firmly where the sun don't shine.

I tried to come up with a suitable caption for this meaningless pose but I'll leave that to you dear readers. The best shot gets a copy of Breath, a new novel from Tim Winton that manages to combine surfing with auto-erotic asphyxiation - and get away with it.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Sandy Bottom


I know I've had a thing about faceless female derrières and advertising but I found this hard to resist. Because it's Friday - or something like that. Courtesy of Traveljunky.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Breaking Bands For Beach Bums


There's a lot of twaddle on Twitter - but that hasn't stopped me pitching a stall out there too. Occasionally, I get "follows" from people that make it worthwhile. Case in point - Dave Jacobs and the Prodigal Sons. Just watched the video accompanying Rush, one of their new songs and I have to say I really rather dig the groove they're furrowing. Perhaps I've found a band for some of our events at the Watering Hole. Looks like they've mainly played London venues as they build their demo tracks. "The best way to describe their sound would be laid back, acoustic surf rock with undertones of jazz & blues, & hints of roots & reggae." Good stuff - but guys, get on the bloody beach - I know just the gig for you!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Just Another Day At The Beach?

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This is the "dude from Bude" - a good sport who was happy to pose for the camera even when I warned him he might appear on a dodgy blogsite like this. I was mightily impressed with his keen sense of beach fashion that's been honed to the point where he can spot a pair of boardies that will match his tattoo. I'm sure Tony Plant,of Surftwisted fame, who I had the pleasure of bumping into on the same day could have done him justice - pictorially speaking - but he's a talented photographer, surfer & artist and I’m just not in his league.

Like Bude Dude and his family, me and mine gathered last Sunday at Praa Sands for the annual "Max Hocking" Nipper's Fun Day. For the uninitiated, this is where the junior members (Nippers) from our Cornish surf lifesaving clubs compete in various "fun" events - beach sprints, ocean wades, board races, relays and so forth. You could say this is the Early Learning Centre for future lifeguards.

The Aussies refer to these kind of events as "carnivals", and not without good reason. The gaudy assortment of beach tents staked out along the strand and the multi-coloured club caps that the shoals of kids sport makes for quite an eyeful reminiscent, as I’ve said before, of a medieval joust.

The competition was conceived years ago by Max Hocking, a long-time St Agnes club member (& Methodist minister?). Fierce inter-club rivalry is set aside for the day and competitors are divided into several teams irrespective of their club loyalty and ages. This makes for a rather relaxed event. Combine this much needed sunshine and a few basking sharks for another top day on the beach.

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That there's a shadow side to a day like this is not always obvious, and in truth, it's generally better that way. I mean, who’s ever wanted to be part of a "serious" fun day?

As the BBQ’s were extinguished, the tents and wetsuits packed away, I took a moment to stand with Nigel, one of the key organisers behind the event, and watch the evening sunshine silver the waves. We reflected on how fortunate our kids were to grow up here and experience the "life of the beach".

I casually remarked that this was one spot I'd never had reason or opportunity to visit. After such a great day on the beach this was clearly a serious misdemeanour, I joked (even if Praa is the ancient Cornish word meaning "hag's" or "witch's cove" which might have been an excuse). It turned out Nigel and his family hadn't been to Praa Sands over the years much either.

Back on an August Bank Holiday in 1945 Nigel’s Father, Uncle & Aunt went in for a swim on a family day out at the very same beach. The Uncle had recently survived the battles through Italy and must have relished making it “back home” in one piece. If it was a day like our day had just been the sea would have proved irresistible. The three were dragged out by a flash rip and only Nigel’s father made it back to the same shoreline upon which we now stood.

People get involved in surf lifesaving for very different motives to do very different things. If there’s any consolation in a family tragedy like that, it’s the motivation that it has given my friend to educate, encourage and pass on the life saving skills that make the beach a safer place. Like I said, just another day at the beach.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Surfing Continues To Sell Every-ting...


...even tea bags - sorry - make that "tea temples" to the muddled middle class. I think I'll buy some of this, only so that the next time I'm round at my mate's building site, I can sit down with his hob carrying, bacon butty boyos and ask if anyone fancies a cup of tung ting oolong? Ram-alang-alang, alang-alang-a-ding-dong. Spotted in St.Ives - cheaper than their website.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Powers Of Three

It's been quiet on here - I know. Don’t care. Beach Bum & Co. have been doing what we do best – sunning ourselves on beaches, swimming in oceans and avoiding anything that looks remotely like work. Yes, we've just come back from two weeks on this beach off the Catalan coast and give or take a plague of jelly fish, a visit to casualty and our Nippers locking the keys in the boot of the hire car it was a seriously chilled break. And now the sun shines in Kernow and I’m back on the beach again tonight. Does it get any better?

I positively enjoy the time out from the keyboard, the Twittering and the relentless review of the in-box and the spam folder. Well, I’ve sifted through the dross and spotted some stuff that needs checking out.

And, like Alan Partridge straining for a link, and talking of Relentless … case in point the new Powers Of Three film that charts Tom Lowe (from just down the road in St.Ives), Fergal & Mickey Smith (no relation) sizing up some bestial waves off the Irish coast. Makes me homesick and scared simultaneously. The full monty here or the edited vibe below.




You’ll need a stiff drink after watching this. Powers for three anyone?

(This was a sponsored link – but that’s OK ‘cause the film rocks and unlike our MP’s, I really, really need the money – I need a new wetsuit)

Monday, May 04, 2009

Tanning Beach Bum

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"If you wear them, it will come" - "them" being board shorts and "it",the sun. I thought of this twist on the quote from Field Of Dreams the other day as I was being reprimanded by an ex-Marine for wimping out of my shorts and into jeans on a cold, wet Cornish morning. Marine man is convinced that the wearing of shorts is directly linked to the frequency of sunny days.

As befits a Beach Bum, it is true that come April, I make a point of wearing shorts whatever the weather. Sometimes, like last week, I backslide. Forgive me Ra, for I have sinned.

Perhaps my mate's onto something. We've been informed by the long range weather forecasters that we're in for a scorcher of a summer.To counter this theory, however, I bought Nipper 1 and me several pairs of well marked down Balin board shorts in Big Wednesday (cheapo surf shop in Truro) today but the sky stayed resolutely corpse grey - rather like my natural skin colour. There are many advantages that accompany the genetic heritage of the Celtic fringes but an all year round tan is not one of them.

Yes, when your complexion is Cornish pasty you have to work hard to maintaining that weather beaten, salt sprayed sexy perma-tan. That's why I was driven to open up my chain of Beach Bum Tanning Salons for a regular dose of UV. Honestly, slipping into a thong and purple tinted googles for some light toasting on a sheet or perspex never ceases to give me and my customers a grill thrill. Business has been booming and I've recently teamed up with the folks at Computertan, a bunch of brain boxes who've figured out a way to tweak your PC or laptop screen so that it transmits an appreciable amount of UV light so you can tan while you type. Bloody marvelous! Try your free session here!

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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

T Time Fashion With Beach Bum

Spring has felt more like Summer lately so it was off with the California Surf Co. hoodie and out with the T's. Beach Bum is to T shirts as Imelda Marcos was to shoes so when the fine folks at fuelmyblog hooked up with Iffyton High Street and offered me a free T in return for a blog review I had my hand up faster than a vet's up a cow's behind.

lab_image_bruce_lee_TThe Iffyton site allows you to wander along a virtual high street where each quirky "shop" front is themed to tempt you in where you'll find an eclectic range of T shirt designs. After much dithering, my morbid streak had me coming back to the "Dead Celeb" section of the Royal T shop. I couldn't find anything directly associated with surfdom but with a nod to our skateboard riding cousins, I settled on the Bruce Lee T in green.

Bruce Lee is an obscure and politically incorrect Australian slang term for erect nipples. I mention this as the weather's turned chilly today and I now have a right pair of "Bruce Lee's". I should also point out that I don't skateboard and I don't think Bruce Lee did either. If he did and held the deck like that - well - according to this bloke, he'd be a poser. Anyway, I like it and Sea Nymph says the green matches my eyes.

I have absolutely no idea how "ethical" these T shirts are. They might be manufactured in a sweaty shop by tiny lady-boys on their day shift. I'm sure if this is the case, the team at Iffyton will let us know - and make good by laying on some gender reassignment surgery for their workforce.

I'm not taking ecofriendlygreenethicalorganicrenewablerecylable issues lightly it's just that, according to the Guardian, "Men shop less, thus causing the planet limited harm". In mitigation I should therefore direct you to a new-ish company called Rapanui that started as an "underground" (marketing schpeil for "unknown" - unless they represent a hitherto clandestine species of troglodytic clothes manufacturer) T-shirt maker on the Isle of Wight.

Precociously youthful surfers Martin & Rob Drake Knight appear to have come up with an approach to selling clothes that, frankly, I wish more of our high street suppliers would mimic. "Buying a high-street tee, you get a new look for a few days and fund that company to make another tee for next time. If you buy a Rapanui tee, you don’t just get the look; you get supersoft, organic natural fabrics, ethical credentials and your money directly contributes to the wind and solar powered factory in India where your tee was made." Strooth! Not only that, but if you've ever fancied one of your designs on a quality T shirt, email eve@rapanuiclothing.com for more info and a design brief.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

If This Was REEF Advertising...

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...I'd be complaining - but there's a surfer in the picture - so that's OK then. I owe somebody from another wave-related blog a "thank you" for the image but for the life of me I can't remember who needs the nod. Apologies.

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Anway, I still won't wear REEF. Scoring women out of ten for the perceived perfection of their posteriors as a way to highlight a brand ranks alongside pushers peddling "Twin Towers Heroin" for taking tastelessness to a high.

And still the REEFsters peddle their wares. Hows about Miss REEF Chile 2007 for just an example? Maybe REEF don't give a damn as long as the $/£/Yen keeps rollin' in. If, like me, you feel their marketing monkeys need to move on why not email Paul Mason, the Director of Corporate Communications at VF, the conglomerate behind REEF and other well known brands. I'm sure he's keen to communicate.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

St. Patrick Sells Surfing Shenanigans

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March in Kernow is a bumper bonanza of a month for Beach Bum, birthdays and Celtic Saints. Nipper 1 turns eleven, Sea Nymph is still 34 tomorrow and like waiting for the bus, you get one Saint's Day at the beginning of the month and shortly thereafter, St.Paddy staggers up behind.

Of course the festival is a prime opportunity for shops to sell all manner of "toot" to all manner of fools. The mouse mat above is just one example. "Isn't everyone a surfer on St. Patrick's Day? Enjoy a wee bit of pub humour when this beer toting, surfing Irish leprechaun hangs ten on his shamrock surfboard." Feck off! Please go here and buy all their stock so we can have a ritual burning.

Ah well, "Happy Paddy's Day" to one and all. There's a little bit of the Green in us all - even this grumpy old Orangeman.

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