Obama Will Surf To Victory!

Of course it doesn't really matter who wins as everyone knows that America is run by the folks in the military-industrial complex with the pointy white hats. Just ask Noam Chomsky who's been quoted as saying that "if the Nuremberg laws were applied today, then every postwar American president would have to be hanged."

It matters even less here on the USAF base we call Airstrip 1 but we can take comfort in the fact that the hottest contender for Big Chief White House honcho used to live in Hawaii and therefore, according to the insiders at Surfer Magazine, "has spent some time on a surfboard".

I bet he plays the ukulele too.

The Book Of Surfing

People send me products in the post from time to time. This is really very kind of them. They are, of course, hoping I will say sweet things about their book, DVD, T-shirt, perfume or JCB. I believe the technical term for this is "endorsement". Or maybe it's "viral marketing". However you want to analyse this curious symbiosis, I like to think I remain objective about the stuff that comes my way. So I'm always happy to plug Snugg because their wetsuits are simply great and equally content to snigger at daft designs like Realwiings.

However, I must confess that a parcel in the post has me pleasure pumping endorphins in the limbic brain that must hark back to hunter-gatherer ancestry. I was, and remain, an inveterate scrounger. As a child, I would make covert raids to scavenge through the neighbours' bins - particularly those belonging to families with similarly aged children. Many's a time I'd come home with Hoovered victims - dusty bricks of LEGO or perhaps a headless Action Man that had been subjected to some hybrid Celtic-voodoo ritual. Therapy didn't help, by the way. Show me a skip and I have to be restrained from climbing in. Beachcombing I consider a vocation.

Anyway, I got an email from someone suggesting that my readers might be interested in a book on surf culture. From the peoploids behind the conspiratorially titled "The September Project" and Stranger Magazine (always a good read but recently a stranger from the shop shelves), comes "The Book Of Surfing".

From the pics they sent it looks like a good read but the skinflints want me to blurb about it and they haven't sent me a copy to review! Don't they know that there's no such thing as a free lunch? I was hoping they could call it the "Big Book Of Surfing" and there'd be pop up pop out surfboards for me to colour in. Or a "spot the difference" page with duplicate shots of trendy board shorts subtly altered with prizes for finding all the tweaks and missing floral prints. Perhaps it's all in there, but I may never know. PS: No-one has sent me a JCB - yet - but as I'm currently living on a building site, one would come in handy.

Rock Rescue At The Bat Cave

If that title reads like an episode from Batman - that's just the power of word association. Come to think of it, there is a Robin involved ... Holy Inflatable Rescue Boats!

It took me a while to smuggle this one out of the locker room. One very fortunate surfer, four very professional Lifeguards.

Style & Substance From Mr.B - Surf Film Premiere

It's a few weeks away but here's a diary date worth scrawling down for those of you who'll be in the vicinity of Newquay - specifically Buzio's Bar - on Sunday the 6th July. There's free entry for the Premiere of "Substance", the latest surf flick from Mr. B Productions & Wavelength Magazine.

If you enjoyed Driven, my guess is that "Substance" will push all the right buttons for you. Expect crowds (the movie rolls around 10.30pm but you'll need to get there earlier), expect alcohol aplenty and - as Mr. B assures me, expect perfect waves, epic sessions and the likes of Oli Adams, Alan Stokes, Micah Lester and friends ripping, shredding and performing similarly thrusting manoeuvres (?) - all showcasing the wondrous waves to be found around the coast of Britain & Ireland. (Presumably the ones that Andy Martin struggles to find.)

Perranporth Rebel Angels Delight

News in from our Ladies Surfboat Captain who penned this report for the sports section in our local paper...

Perranporth’s Rebel Angels put in a heavenly performance at the opening round of the United Kingdom Surf Rowers League (UKSRL) Summer Series held at Porthcawl in South Wales on 31 May. Perranporth’s Fallen Angels, despite half of the crew rowing their first race, managed to pick up some valuable points too.

The small surf conditions – waves in the 1-2ft range – put a premium on rowing technique and fitness. Two wins in the opening three rounds and a bonus point for coming home first in the final heat contested by the top six crews showed a rigorous training programme for the Angels over the winter had paid off.

“It’s promising but there’s a long way to go,” cautioned Shelley Holland the Ladies boat captain. “Bude deservedly won the European title last year and they pushed us hard. We had a tough battle against Portreath as well. This season is not going to be easy!”

In the Men’s event, last year’s UK and European champions - Porthtowan Blue Bali - continued their recent dominant form, winning all four of their races. The minor places were much more hotly contested, the final heat treating spectators to five boats all surfing to shore on the same wave.

The next event is at Saunton Sands on 21 June but there's a full listing of events at the UKSRL website.

Pro Surfer Sells Shoes

Another day, another product for surfdom to sell. "Quick, we've a shed full of shoes to shift - better rush out and get us some surfing totty to teeter on a pair of high heels!"

I'd struggle to be persuaded that the advertising heads behind shoe-surf-snowboard company Airwalk's latest pro surfer signing saw fit to stretch their "creativity" beyond the usual formula where luscious babe + surfboard = sales.

It's a pity as the surfer in question - Anastasia Ashley - has by all accounts, plenty of talent and precocious water skills. But why work to highlight these when you can sell with her body instead?

Her web site is a chuckle zone - though unintentionally so. It reads like one of those menus in the Chinese restaurant of yesteryear where the courses are described in a form of English that is as curiously twisted as the noodles. So we get:

"In the incredibly changeling (?) sport of surfing, Anastasia Ashley’s goals to become one of the best surfers in the world..." and "Anastasia is now entering her next faze (sic) in her career, as she is one of the most downloaded female athletes on the Internet, through out the past years she has exploded onto the mainstream through her classic good looking winning personality, and great style. To Young girls, Anastasia is a role model, and is she's living proof that staying focused and determined will lead you to success (and shoes).To women, she's the embodiment of living the healthy active lifestyle, also being a fashionista. And to men, she's one of the sexiest Women Alive."

Just like the shoes - a load of old cobblers.