There comes the day, there comes the hour when your surfboard needs (there's probably a groovy technical term for this) "de-waxing". How best to ex wax your Sex Wax? Down at the Club the other day, this very question sprouted like a seedling for the first time inside the skull of Nipper 1.
In the course of a conversation with an older lad - who has a Saturday job at a local surf shop and is therefore perceived as a kind of surfing Solomon - my boy was touting for some feedback on his snub nosed board. "Cool board, but you should take better care of it", answered the oracle of the ocean, pointing at the layer of sand and detritus embedded in the waxy deck. He had a point - there's traction and then there's sandpaper.
This gentle admonishment from an older peer, along with a comment that some "X-Wax" would have it looking like new had Nipper 1 energised with a focus that was positively revelatory. Nothing would hold him back from scouring every surf shop on the strip for a bottle of this magic potion but I wasn't going to hold him back. I was thinking ahead.
In a big book called "How To Bring Up Children Proper" I'd read about something called "developmental markers". In my view this type of single mindedness is to be encouraged and, like early induction to lawnmowers, must help these markers getting met. Young children appreciate being given purposeful tasks and when I'm swinging from my hammock, glass in hand and encouraging their business, I may as well have them de-waxing my kit as their own. Come on, they're too big to fit up chimneys.
Well, there was no X-Wax to be had but I wasn't going to deny Nipper 1 the opportunity to acquire a valuable new life skill. Sex Wax and most (but not all) similar products are a combination of paraffin wax, beeswax and synthetic scents. White spirit is a paraffin derived solvent and as every chemist knows, "like dissolves like". One stop at the hardware store later, we were off home with a bottle of the stuff at a fraction of the cost of what we'd pay for something in a bottle with a seXy brand.
Scrape off the bulk of the wax (having first warmed the wax in the sun or as it's the UK - with a hairdryer), mix a little water in with your white spirit, apply to a cloth and you will have the residue off and the board shop new in no time at all. Try not to inhale, though.
As well as similar commercial solvents like Chief Firewater there's other more exotic kit out there that you can use. Now I've never seen the Pickle Wax Remover from Hawaii in action here but I'm sure somebody reading this can vouch for its effectiveness. It might double as a stress ball but I don't recommend sticking it in your hand luggage on a flight to Bangkok - looks like something a cocaine mule might swallow.
Finally, there's the question of what you do with the wax scrapings. If anyone can come up with a constructive or amusing suggestion, I'll send you a couple of blocks of special edition hi definition Sex Wax. In Wales I hear they fashion them into weird looking voodoo doll heads to "scare off tourists" ...
PS: Seems there's almost no post title out there you can dream up that isn't the name of someone else's blog. "Smells like White Spirit" is a case in point, and as the author's just across the border in Devon, and I like his style (bandana excepted) he gets a mention here.