Wind Surf At Fistral

Just because it's Friday and the new lens got an outing the other day.

Missing - Presumed Dead

Last seen heading West about three weeks ago ... a bit fed up with "Summer".

"The Beatings Will Continue...

[Preface: I've always had a tendency to rise to the bait. It started with an anonymous comment on my last "proper" post coupled with the bit of banter that followed with the Chairman of The Board. Like finding an old friend on Facebook, I started rooting through this shack again and came across the following "draft" post that marks, more or less, the time I eased out of this particular corner of the blogosphere. Call it Karma, call it what you will - but when I read this I started grinning - and then felt a bit like Al Pacino.]



...until morale improves." As I flailed up and down Newquay pool last week, back aching and left thigh getting number with each stroke, these words, paired with a skull & crossbones and emblazoned on the back of our swim coach's t-shirt, coaxed a smile from me between gasps and gulps. That and the fecthing pair of pink fluorescent ankle socks that he was sporting.

I've been having a bit of back trouble recently. Actually, since Christmas. I'm rather fed up with it now. I endured a week of intense pain that had me crawling round the house on all fours - that's when I wasn't stuck in bed swallowing tablets and wired up to a TENS machine.

The last time I was in the sea was New Year's Day - a brand new board, a New Year and feeling hunky dory like only Mr. Dory can feel. A few days later, I'm bent double from a gentle stroll on Fistral beach - my body curved like a question mark figuring out if I can make it back to the car without biting through my lip.

It was all very odd. I've had some back bother before but nothing quite like this. I couldn't really come up with anything specific that might have inflicted damage. Sure, I'd slipped out of the attic getting down the Christmas decorations but it was my ribs that were left bruised and not my back. When the pain receded a few weeks later, I was very much relieved. Co-dydramol and half a bottle of red works well enough but that's hardly a marriage made in pharmaceutical heaven.

Physio was prescribed and physio type exercises of the highest quality were duly noted and practiced with moderate if not quite regimental diligence. I was instructed not to run, swim, surf, or do anything that might reasonably be described as vigorous exercise. It was age, it was posture, it was my dropped shoulder, it was wear and tear. It was obvious.

Then I noticed that I could stick a fork in my left thigh and really not feel much. It was as if I'd been to the dentist and he's slipped and stuck the needle in my leg. That had me wondering. I suggested to my most excellent GP that perhaps this merited some investigation. He agreed and in quick time I found myself sliding into that claustrophobic coffin of cacophony that is the modern MRI machine. I'll stop there.

There's only room for one Cornish seaside blog that starts off with surfdom and ends up in surgery and that's the ever readable, and really much more dramatic story that's unfolding over there. In the meantime, I've the post from the porn star in the pipeline.

It's been a bit flat ...

Reports Of This Blog's Death...

Image courtesy of deriveone.com

... have been greatly exaggerated. I'm sure I've twisted one of Twain's quotes for a title before and it would have served me well as a retort when a friend chided me on the content chasm this place has become over the last month. As usual though, I formulate my witty one liners approximately three days after they would have been useful.

Mental note to me: hang in there. I'll be back.

Stoked For Mandela

It's twenty years ago to the day since Nelson Mandela was released after twenty seven years imprisoned on an island off the Coast of Cape Town. When I consider the sorry shower of goons we have in charge here, you can struggle to remember that there are any politicians who are worth a hill of beans. Nelson Mandela is one of only a few, remarkable exceptions that I can think of.

Today's anniversary had me wondering about all that time Mandela spent in jail so near and yet so far from the pleasures of the ocean and the surf scene that his fellow countrymen (and women) were enjoying while he festered in the clink.

What if he'd never spoken out, never fought the fight and kept his head down? Like I said before, some ads I just don't get, but this is one is rather wonderful. Produced for the Morgenavisen Jyllands-Posten - the Danish newspaper that ran those Mohammed cartoons back in 2005 - it makes a point about free speech and activism that hits home hard.

Big Wednesday Giveaway Competition

It's Wednesday, I've just combed my hair with a wet fish so it must mean another freebie. This time it's the chance to grab a copy of the the classic John Milius "Big Wednesday" movie. If you haven't seen this by now, welcome home to earth. If you've watched this a 100 times, here's your chance to make it 101 and upgrade your sad, scratched copy. If you won a Bustin' Down The Doors DVD last time round, do the decent thing and let someone else in the line up catch one.

Question: One of the actors in the movie played Curly in another classic 70's movie. Who was the actor and what was the film? Answers on an email to beachbum@s-e-x-wax.com please!

The competition is open until Sunday 14th and the winner will be picked at random using some well, uh, random method.

When Surfers Evolve

I was going to entitle this post "Aquatic Advertising Conundrums ... Another Occasional Series" but I hope you'll agree that the title I settled on works best. I will be posting several more advertisements with aquatic themes where the product, idea or lifestyle we're being sold isn't immediately, or even ever, clear.

I spotted this undeniably arresting shot when I Googled '"Fish" for some pictures that Nipper 2 needed for a homework exercise. As you can see, it's an attempt by the World Wildlife Fund to highlight the dangers of climate change by suggesting that...uh...well...hmm - you'll have to fill in the missing words as I struggled to make any sense of exactly what the connection with fish-head and climate change is.

It just reminded me of certain people I know who seem to spend more time in the ocean than on dry land, who swim relentlessly on training nights, particularly the ones with webbed feet and gills behind their ears that they think their long hair disguises.

Surfing On Sine Waves

As I desk work, and that's only when absolutely necessary, I load up tracks that have few, if any lyrics going on. Otherwise I get head clutter. Now this masterpiece from the offspring of Welsh parents, born in Ireland and developed in Cornwall helps me concentrate. I am, of course, referring to Richard D. James aka Aphex Twin. This album has my head going like a nodding donkey.

The sine wave is a Mathematical function that describes a smooth repetitive oscillation. The sine wave is a Mathematical function that describes a smooth repetitive oscillation.The sine wave is a Mathematical function that describes a smooth repetitive oscillation. See what I mean?

His Cornish connections get name checked on specific tracks like "Portreath Harbour" and "Redruth School" which ridiculous as it sounds, had me loading them up 1st time round for no other reason than my familiarity with the actual geographical locales.

I enjoy this work even more than the critically revered Selected Ambient Works 85-92 but in any case, I must insist you check out the man, turn up the sub-woofer and catch some sine waves. Don't let the dude looks put you off - anyway he's shaved that stubble off and is looking smoooooooth.

TUACA Travellers Snowboarding Snowfari

To paraphrase The Bard, some people are born lucky, some get lucky and some - like 29 year old Steve Besagni from North London - have luckness thrust upon them. There, I've just made up another word.

Steve's the luckness monster who's just won the TUACA Traveller Competition that was set up to find the UK’s biggest snowboarding enthusiast. His prize - an all expenses snowfari across Europe to discover the most radical snowboarding destinations out there. And he gets to take a mate with him!

TUACA, in case you're wondering, is an Italian liqueur which prior to getting the heads up on this wheeze, I'd never heard of, or tasted. Stay tuned however, as after posting this, there may well be an opportunity for you and me to try it out.

With daily posts, you can keep up to date with their adventures over at The TUACA Travellers blog and the clip below will give you a taster of what they've been up to. If you've experienced the recent UK snow-in and seen it all turn to slush, or had your windscreen chipped as you drove behind a gritter, this will surely cheer you up, or make you very, very jealous.

Now I've had a taster of cross country skiing and even tried glicading but my own snowboarding experience can be summed up in a few words - "tea tray" and "hill". Coincidentally, as can be seen in the picture above, Nipper 1 bought me another air freshener for the car to go with my collection (him and her).

Perhaps this is a sign. The crossover lines between surf, skate and snow get ever more tangled and this Beach Bum may yet head for the piste rather than the beach. Or maybe my car just smells.

Before Boogie There Was Belly...

...boarding and as this video will show, this can only reinforce the opinion of some that the English and now the Cornish are, indeed, a nation of eccentrics. I spotted Perranporth's very own Ian "Beaner" McD sporting his club cap and a close fitting pair of (even by Speedo standards) budgie smugglers. More on the "sport" here (though needs a little update?).

(I've been meaning to give mycornwall.tv a mention here for a while now. The Falmouth based media company started up last year with a mission to capture online some of the cool stuff that's happening in this most excellent county/country of Cornwall/Kernow. They've an eclectic mish mash of stuff on their site and more than a few tasty surf related goodies. They also claim to employ young media graduates "meaning that the money spent developing them is reinforced by local employment opportunities, which in turn creates wealth in the local community". Part funded by the ERDF - which I was pleased to see - since one of the few whinges I have about living here is the irrational Europhobia which is peddled by some who should know better. )

Surfing DVD - Competition Closed!

Just a quickie to say that the Bustin' Down The Door DVD competition is now closed. Great response from all over the place and the lucky winners are ....

Mike Hobbs from Scotland pictured below after a rather chilly New Year's surf.


Sylvain Garel - a Frenchman marooned in Luxembourg with a penchant for longboards and fish.


Philip Schonken - who describes himself as "an African living in Oxfordshire".


Sqz D'Souza - from just down the road in Cornwall and the author behind the eminently readable KERNOWKALLING blog baby.

There was such a feeding frenzy for the DVD so I know that many of you were disappointed. I hate to see grown men (or anybody) cry so I've chucked in a couple of posters by way of consolation prizes. The winners were picked at random after the stock of DVD's were snapped up and - luck of the Irish - these go to Patrick Black and Ben Tyler from Northern Ireland. Goodies should go out to you all this coming week...enjoy!

Rather Stoked ...

... to see one of Beach Bum's photographs feature twice in the February edition of 220Triathlon. They've a section on the UK's toughest triathlons and surprise, surprise (not) - our Perranporth Extreme Surf Challenge Tri gets their vote.To quote their piece:

"Over its 23-year history this triathlon, which centres on North Cornwall's north coast surfing beach, has gained huge respect thanks to the "surf swim". Competitors must negotiate sea swells of up to eight feet, white topped breakers and on-shore winds as they swim out for the exhausting open water section. Ironman age-grouper Kit Stokes remarked that the Perranporth swim made Ironman Hawaii seems easy. Oh, and that's before the hilly bike course and a run along the soft, sandy beach. Ouch."

Nice to see the recognition and I'm sure Chris Strickland, who's been behind this event from its inception, and the club's triathlon committee will be chuffed as well.

Free DVD - Bustin' Down The Door - Yes, A Freebie!

This Beach Bum’s has Been Bustin’ Down The Door of independent movie moguls Metrodome and swiped a stash of DVD’s to give away ahead of the official UK release (Monday 18th January) of the surf movie that one reviewer claims “perfectly captures the bittersweet moment when the once-free sport of surfing became the big money phenomenon that it is today.”

Whatever your views on surfdom and the money men behind it, there’s no denying that season in 1975 on Hawaii’s North Shore changed the surfing scene forever. Bustin' DownThe Door tells the story as it was.

Fancy a freebie DVD to see for yourself? Just email beachbum@s-e-x-wax.com with a ship-to address and name the two South African cousins who feature in the film and I’ll have a copy wing it’s way to you. (Limited offer, first come first served! Competition closes Sunday 17th January. Region 2 DVD or viewable on multi-region players.)

Don’t worry if you miss out on the freebie - the DVD will be on sale next week from Magicseaweed and Extreme Horizon.

More DVD goodie give-aways coming in the next few weeks so don't forget to sign up to this blog.

You can keep up to date with this this blog through GoogleFriend Connect by clicking on the link on the widget on the right hand column (under Beach Bum's Buddies) and subject yourself to my random musings on Twitter to make sure you don't miss the stoke!

More Naked People Calendars 2010 - zzzzzzz

Regular readers here will know (my REEF rants excluded) that I am not averse to enjoying imagery from the garden of fleshly delights. Even I, however, am wondering if getting photographed with your kit off - even for a worthy cause - is getting rather passé?

With the possible exception of strippers and priests (and for the latter, it’s surely only a matter of time) I can think of very few professions that don't have a calendar out this time of year depicting themselves in various states of undress. Inevitably, naughty bits are shielded with strategically placed footballs, books and whatnot. You’ve got the usual crew of firemen and rugby players but everyone from clowns, Ryanair cabin crew and - wait for it - Polish coffin manufacturers are getting in on the act.

That's Zuzanna Pasierbinska-Wilson on the left - a "wannabe surf chick and cowgirl”. Apparently, “she’s better with her lasso than catching waves." Yee-haw! I don’t know about you but the leash and stiletto combo is troubling - in a forbidden, kinky sort of a way. Maybe that’s just me. Anyway, the cause is a noble one and the internal debate she had with herself before stripping off revealing. I’m just not sure we need a bunch of self tagged “techies” stripping off for charity.

If you do feel the need for some cheeky calendar action I’ll point you closer to home where a “group of buff Cornish surfer boys” (that’s just a plain troubling juxtaposition) are baring all to raise money for a mate who lost and arm and leg in a traffic accident. Credit to the man in question, when he found out what his friends had gotten up to, he insisted that a cut of the proceeds should be donated to Help For Heroes. I know you can buy this Beach Bum calendar for £10 in GUL stores and the Truro branch had stock in lately. If you ain’t from round these parts you can also email darrencopemanfund.helptheheroes@hotmail.co.uk to arrange delivery with a £2.95 surcharge towards postage and packing. Better to spend your money on that than this.

Beach Bum's Best Wishes For 2010

No, that’s not Beach Bum & Sea Nymph in the picture. I’m no spring chicken but I’m not quite an old turkey - yet.

There's a venerable Irish saying wishing health, wealth and happiness for you that would be suitable to pass on (belatedly) as the year kicks off. Unfortunately, it is so old I can't remember it exactly. Pondering those three attributes, however, has me wondering if the traditional "sláinte" (health) wouldn't really just suffice? As Virgil said (in Latin presumably), "the greatest wealth is health" and certainly, without a body that more or less functions as you want it to, happiness is rarely, if ever, even close behind.

 If all this sounds a little "heavy" as we get into 2010, it's because I've seen 2009 end with a series of friends & acquaintances - online and "off"- coming to terms with some serious health problems.

Jonny, my old surfing buddy back in Belfast - was finally diagnosed with MS – several years after developing a range of symptoms that were assigned to just about every other possible condition, except the one he actually had. It was only when he started shuffling round the corridors at work looking like man with a hangover from hell that he got referred to the neurologist he should have seen three years ago.

Then I’ve been following, first with alarm, and lately (since he got through his operation OK) with relief the bum health hand that Alex Wade at Surf Nation was dealt when he discovered that on top of the potentially paralyzing condition of “cervical myelopathy” – medical shorthand for “crumbly spine bits” – he’d picked up a dose of Lyme disease to boot. For a man who’s been told he may never surf again, he’s dealing with the pain, the recovery process and the need to dose himself with enough drugs to keep a small pharmacy in business with admirable stoicism and humour. I’ve not met Alex personally though I was about to paddle over and say “hi” when I spotted him sitting out the back at Sennen late last Summer. Weirdly enough, I got diverted into helping out when a holiday maker's head said "hi" to a surfboard and developed what’s referred to in beach lifeguard lingo as a “suspected spinal”. Surf Nation has moved from the Times, via a co-operative venture with A1 Surf and now carves it’s own solo spot - which rather suits it IMHO. Tune in and follow Alex’s mission to get back to surfing.

Lastly, just a few weeks before Christmas, one of our friends from the Surf Lifesaving Club was diagnosed with breast cancer. Even writing that sentence seems somehow trite as if words could contain what must be one of the hardest things a woman gets to hear from a physician. She’s already had surgery and starts her chemo treatment in a few weeks. But she’s courageous and fit and will get a ton of support from all of us.

Actually, the chap in the photo above is Dr. Dorian Paskowitz, of whom you can read more here. For Dr. Dorian, there’s no doubt that surfing has contributed to his health and longevity. “Surfing is a metaphor. And indeed that’s just what it is, a pillar, a post to tie health and lifestyle to.” For some of the people I mention above, the jury may remain out on that thought for a bit yet. Personally, I’ll resolve to whinge less about my minor ailments so I’ll settle for “sláinte” and hope it finds it’s way to you all this coming year. (And Dr. P - just to make it clear, I wasn't calling you an old turkey - honest!)

Kite Surfing Watergate Bay

I took this shot yesterday during a bracing, gale force march along the beach at Watergate Bay. This kite surfer had the sea to himself and was ripping up and down the shallows at close enough to high tide. Mind you, watching him had me thinking about a recent rescue at Perranporth. Loads of fun - but like most ocean sports, it's best to get some pointers from those who know before you try to take off. The British Kite Surfing Association will point you in the right direction.

(This shot's my wallpaper at the moment and I've attached a reasonable resolution image in case you fancy doing the same.)

Beach Bum's Merry Christmas

Like the bestest bronzed turkey we had earlier today (courtesy of the fine farmer folk at Trevilley) Beach Bum has been well and truly stuffed, and sits here sated and full of (liquid) Christmas cheer.

This year's festivities at Beach Bum's shack have been decidedly more joyful after the miserable Christmas we had this time last year. There was a slight blip when the kids woke us at 3.30am shredding through Santa's deliveries. Sea Nymph said I looked a bit like Jack Nicholson in the Shining threatening dismemberment if they didn't go back to bed. I've had several emails from folks wishing me and mine well so here's as good a place as any to reciprocate the greetings. It's been quiet at s-e-x-wax.com lately but all being well, I'll be motoring on here more in the New Year - assuming I survive tomorrow's Boxing Day swim...

(photo courtesy of a Norwegian dude - sorry forgot the name - but ain't it lovely?)

Chill Music For Shred Heads

If you took Enya, stuck her underwater and asked her to sing, you might get close to the vocal tastiness that is Justine Suissa and her mates in OceanLab. I always hook onto good music about a year after everybody else but I guess there's quite a few of you that stumble into that category. Anyway, I give you Sirens of the Sea. Go find a beach and dance. Because it's Friday.

Coming To A Beach Near You...

They steal your chips, they shit on your head - now they're gonna bite your ear off. Oooh - err!

Ocean Warriors To The Rescue

One, I'm playing catch up here (again) and two, that isn't just a gratuitous flesh photo. Read on and all will be revealed. It's been absolutely ages since I sat down and threw more than a sentence or two at this blog and that fact, for reasons I haven't analysed, niggles me more than it should. I'd like to think that there's a bit of "those who can, do, those who can't, blog" behind this hiatus - my oh so busy life - on the other hand, I've rather regularly found myself slumped in the sofa after a swim session wanting "guns and whiskey" more than this.

I digress. A few weeks ago I was back in N.Ireland visiting family and friends. It's been a bit of an annual ritual to go back at October half term - the Nipper's cousins are off school and that week usually coincides with my birthday and wedding anniversary. (As befits a synaptically challenged Beach Bum, I got married to the long suffering Sea Nymph on my birthday so I'd have no excuse to forget wedding anniversaries - and barring one year in the last 19 - that wheeze has worked.)



It's also a tradition to motor up the North Coast for some beach time at Portstewart, a cappuccino in Morellis and a big feed at the (Giant's) Causeway Hotel. We'd hawked our wetsuits over from Cornwall and, bugger me, if I wasn't going to try and catch a wave or two whatever the weather/ conditions. Well, as you can see from the sunset shot, the day we picked was the best of the bunch in what was otherwise a blustery, grey old sock of a week. A couple of hiccups though: no surfboard, no waves...

...no problem! A few years earlier, on a similar jaunt, I'd had occasion to pop into Ocean Warriors to check out "Portstewart's Oldest Surf Shop" (this leaves me feeling positively aged as "back in the day" I don't recall any surfboards for sale in town let alone a fully fledged surf & kite store). I'd been fortunate enough to bump into store owners Chris & Rosie and a conversation kicked off over the sale of a Plain Lazy T shirt when I'd commented that I'd only ever seen this brand in a shop in Perranporth. Turned out Chris knew Cornwall well and had been at college with, and was a mate of the brand's owner. Small world and all that. Chris, being the gentleman that he is, said to make sure if I was back this way to call in and "grab a board".


So two years later when I drove round to his house after finding the store's hire gear all stowed away for winter, if he was surprised he didn't show it! Chris opened up his garage, surfboards stored and stacked like so many sardines, and hauled out the sticks. They were big, they were spongey but for Nipper 1 and me and the 2ft of surf on the strand, they were exactly what the surf doctor ordered.

Back in Belfast that new shrine to consumerism known as the Victoria Centre had sun-bed bronzed, shaved and buffed boys in board shorts teasing teen totty into the new Hollister clothing shop. Whilst the queue might have wished they all could be in California, round at Calvin Kleins, two rather shapely, near naked models posed in lingerie and had more mobile phone cameras clicking than a voyeur's with a Nikon at a nudist camp. It wasn't Jamie Dornan though, the Belfast boy who's been modelling for CK here there and everywhere. (Yes, that's him at the top - there is method in my madness.) How times have changed. In the bad old days, Paisley and friends would have been out saving Ulster from Sodomy and other miscellaneous "deviations" of the flesh.


Now there are buses taking tourists to euphemistically described "trouble spots" infamous from when a day out in Belfast wouldn't have been complete without a bomb scare and a frisk at a security gate. Perhaps that's why many of the murals look as fresh now as they did when I used to bus past them to school in the heart of the city...

For all you tourists who go to Ireland and never step north of the border, why not go discover Northern Ireland and if you're up Portstewart way say "hi" to Chris and Rosie for me.

From The North Sea Home Of The Deadly Turd Shark...

...comes the Pink Torpedoes. I've a feeling this may be one of those nights people talk about forever without actually remembering a thing about it. Highly recommended then.


Venue: The Watering Hole, Perranporth, Cornwall sometime after dark on Saturday the 28th November.

More Beach Fashion Goes Really Wrong

As I snapped this lady on a Newquay beach back in August a twinge of guilt did tingle in my sandy toes. I knew it would finally end up here. None of us are perfect specimens but still, "truth must out" along with the cellulite and the thong.

The Collective Noun For A Group Of Grommets Is...

... yet to be assigned as far as I know. Great list of collective nouns here, one of which might work - but feel free to suggest your own. I'm fiddling about with uploading widgets just in case you're wondering if there's any rationale for posting this shot. Any my own little grom just came 2nd in his first surfing competition last weekend.

Sexy Hot Tan Tips For Beach Bums

I referred earlier to my extensive chain of Beach Bum tanning salons which I opened after struggling to maintain my beach bronzed look on those long promotional tours that pop up from time to time like a spontaneous erection. My good mate Will Ferrell has taken on board some of my tanning tips and asked me to mention - though I guess you've heard it all before - his new range of super hot sunscreen products that will appeal to all gentlemen of taste and discernment.

By the way (and here's a real scoop TMZ) you should know that Will - and in his modest way he doesn't like to shout about this - is the love child of Jim Morrison and a Parisian danseuse. You read it first here.