Caption Competition

It's usually entertaining to see what talentless advertising photographers come up with when they combine a surf board with a pretty girl. In this case, however, the end result has me wishing I could pose the culprit that took this shot with the nose of that stick inserted firmly where the sun don't shine.

I tried to come up with a suitable caption for this meaningless pose but I'll leave that to you dear readers. The best shot gets a copy of Breath, a new novel from Tim Winton that manages to combine surfing with auto-erotic asphyxiation - and get away with it.

Sandy Bottom

I know I've had a thing about faceless female derrières and advertising but I found this hard to resist. Because it's Friday - or something like that. Courtesy of Traveljunky.

Breaking Bands For Beach Bums

There's a lot of twaddle on Twitter - but that hasn't stopped me pitching a stall out there too. Occasionally, I get "follows" from people that make it worthwhile. Case in point - Dave Jacobs and the Prodigal Sons. Just watched the video accompanying Rush, one of their new songs and I have to say I really rather dig the groove they're furrowing. Perhaps I've found a band for some of our events at the Watering Hole. Looks like they've mainly played London venues as they build their demo tracks. "The best way to describe their sound would be laid back, acoustic surf rock with undertones of jazz & blues, & hints of roots & reggae." Good stuff - but guys, get on the bloody beach - I know just the gig for you!

Perranboardriders Presents…

Just Another Day At The Beach?

This is the "dude from Bude" - a good sport who was happy to pose for the camera even when I warned him he might appear on a dodgy blogsite like this. I was mightily impressed with his keen sense of beach fashion that's been honed to the point where he can spot a pair of boardies that will match his tattoo. I'm sure Tony Plant,of Surftwisted fame, who I had the pleasure of bumping into on the same day could have done him justice - pictorially speaking - but he's a talented photographer, surfer & artist and I’m just not in his league.

Like Bude Dude and his family, me and mine gathered last Sunday at Praa Sands for the annual "Max Hocking" Nipper's Fun Day. For the uninitiated, this is where the junior members (Nippers) from our Cornish surf lifesaving clubs compete in various "fun" events - beach sprints, ocean wades, board races, relays and so forth. You could say this is the Early Learning Centre for future lifeguards.

The Aussies refer to these kind of events as "carnivals", and not without good reason. The gaudy assortment of beach tents staked out along the strand and the multi-coloured club caps that the shoals of kids sport makes for quite an eyeful reminiscent, as I’ve said before, of a medieval joust.

The competition was conceived years ago by Max Hocking, a long-time St Agnes club member (& Methodist minister?). Fierce inter-club rivalry is set aside for the day and competitors are divided into several teams irrespective of their club loyalty and ages. This makes for a rather relaxed event. Combine this much needed sunshine and a few basking sharks for another top day on the beach.

That there's a shadow side to a day like this is not always obvious, and in truth, it's generally better that way. I mean, who’s ever wanted to be part of a "serious" fun day?

As the BBQ’s were extinguished, the tents and wetsuits packed away, I took a moment to stand with Nigel, one of the key organisers behind the event, and watch the evening sunshine silver the waves. We reflected on how fortunate our kids were to grow up here and experience the "life of the beach".

I casually remarked that this was one spot I'd never had reason or opportunity to visit. After such a great day on the beach this was clearly a serious misdemeanour, I joked (even if Praa is the ancient Cornish word meaning "hag's" or "witch's cove" which might have been an excuse). It turned out Nigel and his family hadn't been to Praa Sands over the years much either.

Back on an August Bank Holiday in 1945 Nigel’s Father, Uncle & Aunt went in for a swim on a family day out at the very same beach. The Uncle had recently survived the battles through Italy and must have relished making it “back home” in one piece. If it was a day like our day had just been the sea would have proved irresistible. The three were dragged out by a flash rip and only Nigel’s father made it back to the same shoreline upon which we now stood.

People get involved in surf lifesaving for very different motives to do very different things. If there’s any consolation in a family tragedy like that, it’s the motivation that it has given my friend to educate, encourage and pass on the life saving skills that make the beach a safer place. Like I said, just another day at the beach.

Surfing Continues To Sell Every-ting...

...even tea bags - sorry - make that "tea temples" to the muddled middle class. I think I'll buy some of this, only so that the next time I'm round at my mate's building site, I can sit down with his hob carrying, bacon butty boyos and ask if anyone fancies a cup of tung ting oolong? Ram-alang-alang, alang-alang-a-ding-dong. Spotted in St.Ives - cheaper than their website.

Powers Of Three

It's been quiet on here - I know. Don’t care. Beach Bum & Co. have been doing what we do best – sunning ourselves on beaches, swimming in oceans and avoiding anything that looks remotely like work. Yes, we've just come back from two weeks on this beach off the Catalan coast and give or take a plague of jelly fish, a visit to casualty and our Nippers locking the keys in the boot of the hire car it was a seriously chilled break. And now the sun shines in Kernow and I’m back on the beach again tonight. Does it get any better?

I positively enjoy the time out from the keyboard, the Twittering and the relentless review of the in-box and the spam folder. Well, I’ve sifted through the dross and spotted some stuff that needs checking out.

And, like Alan Partridge straining for a link, and talking of Relentless … case in point the new Powers Of Three film that charts Tom Lowe (from just down the road in St.Ives), Fergal & Mickey Smith (no relation) sizing up some bestial waves off the Irish coast. Makes me homesick and scared simultaneously. The full monty here or the edited vibe below.

You’ll need a stiff drink after watching this. Powers for three anyone?

(This was a sponsored link – but that’s OK ‘cause the film rocks and unlike our MP’s, I really, really need the money – I need a new wetsuit)

Tanning Beach Bum

"If you wear them, it will come" - "them" being board shorts and "it",the sun. I thought of this twist on the quote from Field Of Dreams the other day as I was being reprimanded by an ex-Marine for wimping out of my shorts and into jeans on a cold, wet Cornish morning. Marine man is convinced that the wearing of shorts is directly linked to the frequency of sunny days.

As befits a Beach Bum, it is true that come April, I make a point of wearing shorts whatever the weather. Sometimes, like last week, I backslide. Forgive me Ra, for I have sinned.

Perhaps my mate's onto something. We've been informed by the long range weather forecasters that we're in for a scorcher of a summer.To counter this theory, however, I bought Nipper 1 and me several pairs of well marked down Balin board shorts in Big Wednesday (cheapo surf shop in Truro) today but the sky stayed resolutely corpse grey - rather like my natural skin colour. There are many advantages that accompany the genetic heritage of the Celtic fringes but an all year round tan is not one of them.

Yes, when your complexion is Cornish pasty you have to work hard to maintaining that weather beaten, salt sprayed sexy perma-tan. That's why I was driven to open up my chain of Beach Bum Tanning Salons for a regular dose of UV. Honestly, slipping into a thong and purple tinted googles for some light toasting on a sheet or perspex never ceases to give me and my customers a grill thrill. Business has been booming and I've recently teamed up with the folks at Computertan, a bunch of brain boxes who've figured out a way to tweak your PC or laptop screen so that it transmits an appreciable amount of UV light so you can tan while you type. Bloody marvelous! Try your free session here!

T Time Fashion With Beach Bum

Spring has felt more like Summer lately so it was off with the California Surf Co. hoodie and out with the T's. Beach Bum is to T shirts as Imelda Marcos was to shoes so when the fine folks at fuelmyblog hooked up with Iffyton High Street and offered me a free T in return for a blog review I had my hand up faster than a vet's up a cow's behind.

The Iffyton site allows you to wander along a virtual high street where each quirky "shop" front is themed to tempt you in where you'll find an eclectic range of T shirt designs. After much dithering, my morbid streak had me coming back to the "Dead Celeb" section of the Royal T shop. I couldn't find anything directly associated with surfdom but with a nod to our skateboard riding cousins, I settled on the Bruce Lee T in green.

Bruce Lee is an obscure and politically incorrect Australian slang term for erect nipples. I mention this as the weather's turned chilly today and I now have a right pair of "Bruce Lee's". I should also point out that I don't skateboard and I don't think Bruce Lee did either. If he did and held the deck like that - well - according to this bloke, he'd be a poser. Anyway, I like it and Sea Nymph says the green matches my eyes.

I have absolutely no idea how "ethical" these T shirts are. They might be manufactured in a sweaty shop by tiny lady-boys on their day shift. I'm sure if this is the case, the team at Iffyton will let us know - and make good by laying on some gender reassignment surgery for their workforce.

I'm not taking ecofriendlygreenethicalorganicrenewablerecylable issues lightly it's just that, according to the Guardian, "Men shop less, thus causing the planet limited harm". In mitigation I should therefore direct you to a new-ish company called Rapanui that started as an "underground" (marketing schpeil for "unknown" - unless they represent a hitherto clandestine species of troglodytic clothes manufacturer) T-shirt maker on the Isle of Wight.

Precociously youthful surfers Martin & Rob Drake Knight appear to have come up with an approach to selling clothes that, frankly, I wish more of our high street suppliers would mimic. "Buying a high-street tee, you get a new look for a few days and fund that company to make another tee for next time. If you buy a Rapanui tee, you don’t just get the look; you get supersoft, organic natural fabrics, ethical credentials and your money directly contributes to the wind and solar powered factory in India where your tee was made." Strooth! Not only that, but if you've ever fancied one of your designs on a quality T shirt, email eve@rapanuiclothing.com for more info and a design brief.

If This Was REEF Advertising...

...I'd be complaining - but there's a surfer in the picture - so that's OK then. I owe somebody from another wave-related blog a "thank you" for the image but for the life of me I can't remember who needs the nod. Apologies.

Anway, I still won't wear REEF. Scoring women out of ten for the perceived perfection of their posteriors as a way to highlight a brand ranks alongside pushers peddling "Twin Towers Heroin" for taking tastelessness to a high.

And still the REEFsters peddle their wares. Hows about Miss REEF Chile 2007 for just an example? Maybe REEF don't give a damn as long as the $/£/Yen keeps rollin' in. If, like me, you feel their marketing monkeys need to move on why not email Paul Mason, the Director of Corporate Communications at VF, the conglomerate behind REEF and other well known brands. I'm sure he's keen to communicate.

St. Patrick Sells Surfing Shenanigans

March in Kernow is a bumper bonanza of a month for Beach Bum, birthdays and Celtic Saints. Nipper 1 turns eleven, Sea Nymph is still 34 tomorrow and like waiting for the bus, you get one Saint's Day at the beginning of the month and shortly thereafter, St.Paddy staggers up behind.

Of course the festival is a prime opportunity for shops to sell all manner of "toot" to all manner of fools. The mouse mat above is just one example. "Isn't everyone a surfer on St. Patrick's Day? Enjoy a wee bit of pub humour when this beer toting, surfing Irish leprechaun hangs ten on his shamrock surfboard." Feck off! Please go here and buy all their stock so we can have a ritual burning.

Ah well, "Happy Paddy's Day" to one and all. There's a little bit of the Green in us all - even this grumpy old Orangeman.

Happy Birthday Barbie - Love Beach Bum XX

Come on Barbie let's go party! You're 50 years old today and looking fitter than ever. I know my Action Man tried to grab you with his "realistic gripping hands" and wrap the joints of his legs around you in compromising positions but that was years ago and I say let bygones be bygones. He's asked me to say sorry and wants to know if you'll come over and wax his stick? (Don't bring Ken.)

Wacky Wetsuits - An Occasional Series

Surfing tries to sell everything but fortunately, not everything sells. Now that Beach Bum has installed his bookshelves, he has been busy restocking the library.

I can't throw anything out and flicking through some old magazines I spotted this Tiki beauty from a Wavelength edition dated March/April 1992.

The blurb alongside the ad reminded us that "Tiki has been in rubber since 1972" and that "our Professional designers, salesmen, staff and owners are all actively involved in surfing - surfing has always been in our roots. Tiki - a SALT WATER LEGEND. " We were urged to "check them out - there is NO ALTERNATIVE!"

Clearly the Tiki team were sniffing too much neoprene adhesive at work and going home to watch Dr.Who.

Exterminate, exterminate, exterminate!

Lowen Dydh sen Pyran (Happy St Piran's Day)

It's late, I've been swim training and I ache, ache, ache. I should have a Jamesons in one hand and a stiff drink in the other but I wanted to wish my blog buddies a "Happy St.Piran's Day." This, I realize, will mean little to most of them so read here and inwardly digest for the low down on the Saint with the stone from the surf.

On one hand, the increased attention that St.Piran's Day is getting in the media has me feeling like I do when I buy another Saint's (Valentine's Day) card for Sea Nymph. There's something contrived about it. Like watching coverage of St.Paddy's Day in New York when I was stuck in a factory in Ireland working my arse off.

On the other hand - the one that will shortly be holding a drink - I read a letter in the West Briton today from a woman called Demelza who claimed that the Cornish language is dead and that any attempt to speak it, encourage it or take it seriously is a waste of time. Demelza is a very Cornish name so perhaps she might think of changing her name to the Anglicised place name that it originates from? According to Demelza, we'd be better off learning French, German or Russian. Her tone reminded me of another type of "West Briton" - a term used (variously) to describe those "following British popular culture, while appearing embarrassed by or disdainful of aspects of Irish culture such as the Irish language or Gaelic games".

Like St.Piran, I'm another Irishman grateful to have found a home in Cornwall. There's a vibe here that's beyond my abilities to describe but let's say it sits well with my cultural sensibilities. Moreover, I reckon many of my English friends who've moved here have picked up on this too. It's an inclusive thing, this life on the Celitc fringe. Chill Demelza, chill.

International Oceanman Festival 2009 - Hossegor

"Weakness is just pain leaving the body". Once Upon A Time that was the favourite phrase of a stereotypically sadistic Sergeant Major grinding hopeful recruits for the Légion étrangère through their paces (and almost out of their minds). For me fortunately, memories that combine France with extreme physical activity are much more pleasurable...

...but for those of you with the skill, the body (& the requisite qualifications), may I suggest a long weekend courtesy of the Hossegor Sauvetage Côtier (Hossegor Lifesaving Club). Email hossegor.sauvetage@wanadoo.fr for more details or I can send you the bumph in English.

Surfrider Foundation & SocialVibe - All For A Good Cause?

Surfing Sold Everything...

...even pulp fiction. This one for my favourite Nurse (think "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" - in suspenders).

Surfers Against Sewage On Facebook

'Tis in the nature of men & women to see potential for beauty in the face of all that spoils. So whilst the garbage washed up on our beaches can be portrayed and visualised as "objets d'art" by some (myself included), let's not lose sight of the fact that it's an environmental pollution problem with a positively ominous momentum.

I snapped this ragged totem a month or so ago on Perranporth beach and it reminded me of the "fairy trees" you find in Ireland where people hang strips of clothing, scatter coins and plastic Virgins - offerings to old Gods and old ways.

It worked some magic of it's own. What with the credit crunchie eating into our coffers and dodgy builders ripping us off, I was seriously considering the family subscription to Surfers Against Sewage. I've cut back on SKY, LOVEFILM and my subscription to Women & Guns. Fortunately, spying this collection of marine crap brought me to my senses. (Anyway, there's always the pole dancing in Newquay for extra income.)

Now that SAS have their very own on Facebook page there's an opportunity for you to sign up and "exchange views about the environmental and health issues affecting all surfers." Or have a rant. No excuse now not to sign up. Go on - your beaches need you.

PS: guess which one of those subscriptions I don't actually subscribe to?

Wave Eye Candy

I've just wallpapered my desktop with this fabulous shot after an email from SurferMag who've proffered up a rack of fine photos for your delectation & delight. Like most "free" wallpapers, there's usually a name or a logo stuck somewhere in a corner that ruins the shot. In this case (without wanting to detract from Clark Little, the Hawaiian photographer who took the original) a bit of Photoshopping has enabled me to render this vision logo-free. If you ain't up to all that techie tweaking, email me and I'll send you the cleaned up version at a higher resolution.

For those of you who prefer to ogle fluid waves than static shots, I might point you in the direction of my friend Mr.B (who brought us Substance, Driven & Performing Monkeys). He's hooked up with Surfline to produce some "websiodes" that he hopes will showcase and pump up the profile of the British surf scene. As the man himself says:

"I was looking at some of the Surfline videos and realised that I have footage from the UK with just as good waves and surfing as the majority of these clips. So I went to Surfline with the idea of supplying them with a short video clip on British waves and surfers and they loved the idea. I started with a ‘webisode’ introducing Oli Adams because I have worked with Oli a lot over the past few years and we have compiled a lot of good footage, especially in the UK and he was super keen. I think it’s great for the British surfers to get their surfing out to a more international audience and it’s great for the Surfline audiences to see some exciting surfing and great waves from a country that is often overlooked in the surfing world."

A nod too, to Dan Rosandich on the other side of the proverbial pond. He emailed me a while back to tell me he'd launched CoolBlueVision - "Where Surfers Hang & Dream About The Next Big Wave". Dan's a cartoonist so I said I'd trade a plug for a cartoon and he sent me this ... fair deal?

Keep On Keeping On

I spotted this shot a while ago over at the ever engaging home of Pineapple Luv. I nicked it for a rainy day and used it on a snowy one instead. The kids, cock-a-hoop at a freebie off school - have made a snowman. If you live in Cornwall - the relatively balmy South West county of the UK that struts out into the Celtic Sea like a boot aimed at Ireland's arse - you'll appreciate that this could be a "once in a lifetime" experience.

I have a general loathing of those "motivational" prints and posters you see hanging in typically corporate offices. You know the kind of thing: "The surest way not to fail is to determine to succeed" and the like. Very pithy, but with loads more potential for piss-take than pith. However, I have to say there's something uplifting about this shot - in every sense.

As my absence here may have suggested, it's been a difficult few months for me, and Sea Nymph in particular. It's good to be back.

Matt Johnson At Fistral?

It's Boxing Day and I'm supposed to be walking off the turkey gut with Sea Nymph and the Nippers. It's chill, crisp and the blue brightness of the sun just seems to amplify the bite of the off-shore wind that's blowing hard.

As usual, I take the camerameramera and - as usual - I get distracted by the waves and not the walk. I tumble down the cliff and precariously position myself as close as I can to the waves without jumping in. A ludicrous thought that - but it still flits across my hungover head. Some local guys are ripping up the waves that seem to build in bigger, steeper sets each cycle.

A "proper" photographer is taking shots too. He's got all the gear and his 300mm lens is (literally) putting me in the shade. He needs a tripod for that tripod I muse. He gets the odd shot published in Carve he says. Good for him. I mean that most sincerely folks, I really do. He knows some of the blokes in the water. Kudos, eh? But like me, he's a spectator and like they say, those who can do...well, anyway (and perhaps to crack an icicle or two) I ask him if that's "Stokesy" out there. "Nah," he says, "he's probably shacked up with a bird somewhere". Then it clicks - that's Matt Johnson out there. That is Matt Johnson. Don't believe me? So he's not cleaning pools anymore but the camerameramera never lies ... right?

Extreme Surf Photographer?

I am - but only in the sense of being an extremely poor one. However, I spend more time on-line than I should staring at some really great surf shots and many of the best are taken by folks who don't do it for a living.

If you fancy yourself as a surf snapper extreme then check out the photo competition that LG Phones are running and like they say, "simply upload your top shot and you could win a holiday worth £5000 for three friends as well as some incredible Nike AGC clothing".

Must tell Sharpy ... oh yeah, they paid me to tell you this. I need the money - I'm stoney broke - still paying off the builders.

Surf Like An Australian

Our last Surfboat Captain - Fred - returned to his homeland of Oz a few months ago. He last made an appearance here in Cornwall exhibiting the bare assed cheek we came to love and respect. Literally.

I've always fancied a trip Down Under so when I caught sight of an article asking...

"Want to blend in and make friends with the locals while Down Under? Easy as, mate. You just need to learn to surf, stop speaking like a drongo and grow a mullet. Here’s our Johnny foreigner-friendly guide to being an Aussie."

...I was all eyes. Sorted. If you're reading this Fred - hope you're missing the rain and having your hand up a Cornish cow's ass. Have Aussie Bum signed you yet?

The Curious World Of Tandem Surfing

When Marvin Gaye sang "It takes two baby" I doubt he was referring to a couple on a surfboard but if the International Tandem Surfing Association (yes ITSA mouthful) is looking for an anthem, it would surely suffice.

Like so much in surfing, the origins of tandem surfing owe much to the Hawaiians. The story goes that as tourists flocked to Waikiki at the beginning of the 20th Century to watch the likes of Duke Kahanmoku strut their stuff, the urge to "catch a wave" had the male visitors solo out and give it a go. Their wives and daughters, not to be outdone, hired the locals and were "escorted" out into the surf and shared a board.

I've watched Mr M at our club - one of those watermen with shockingly precocious wave riding skills - take his tandem board out with a lady from time to time. The stick is so big, watching him unsheath it from the board bag reminds me of Cold war footage of missiles emerging from silos. And his surf board's impressive too.

The body strength required of the male half of a tandem team usually means that stick insects need not apply even if the girl being carried is usually a slip of a thing. I read somewhere that there's no rule that says the girl can't carry the bloke. Now, there's something to draw a crowd. I haven't heard of same sex tandem teams but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

The closest I've come to two on a board is when Spike (who's a she) rolled me onto a Rescue Board in an impromptu and rather impressive display of lifesaving skills. Of course, as evidenced below, it can all go a bit "Pete Tong" - which only highlights how skillful (if still slightly curious IMHO) the sport is.

Serena's A Surfing Beach Bum...

...and it was always going to be difficult to ignore a headline like that, especially with the attached picture as explanatory accompaniment.

Yes, yet again I have been leafing, nay loitering, through the pages of the builder's daily rags. Obviously, as this post evidences, the salacious tone of the Sun & Star is rubbing off. Plus ça change, perhaps, but I fear that wherever I may have fancied the tonal denominator this blog was previously set, it is swinging disturbingly close to "lowest" and "common". Another night sleeping on the floor with just a bottle of Bush to keep me company. I really hope we have our home back soon.